Not all kindness is good.
When I was younger, I thought the keys to happiness were kindness, giving, and acts of service. Raised in a strict Catholic home, the first female Altar Server in my Parish, I believed that if I were self-less, that my act of service would make me happy (and yeah, get me into heaven).
As I grew up, I realized there might be a limit to how much you can give or how much kindness you can put out into the world in the face of hate.
With that realization, I learned two things that still stick with me:
- No matter how much you give, or how kind you are, or how self-less you are, there’s a real difference between a reason and an excuse, and
- If I were only kind to others, and never kind to myself, where did I think kindness to myself came from?
And that, my friend, is how I realized that not all kindness is good.
Kindness starts with yourself.
Giving starts with yourself.
Acts of service begin with yourself.
If you expect others to give to you or be kind to you or do acts of service for you simply because YOU do so for THEM, chances are that at some point, you will be disappointed.
Sure. Someone may not be able to give back to you. They might not have the financial resources or emotional capacity or even the energy or time. That’s absolutely a reason.
But if they can give back to you and don’t (and have lots of “reasons” why they can’t), then the harsh truth is that reason has turned into an excuse.
Excuses have no place in our life.
We can always find a reason for not doing something for ourselves, but if we continue to do for others and do nothing for ourselves, then it’s no longer a reason: it’s an excuse, and it’s self-betrayal. If we have the time and energy and talents to do for others, then we can absolutely do those things for ourselves.
The kindness that’s good for you, will be the kindness that’s good for everyone around you.
That’s called reciprocity.
Most people are hoping that if they give and give, that someone will give all of that right back to them.
When you know the exact kinds of people you want in your life – at work, at home, in your community and groups – then you’ll stop giving everything to others when you get nothing you need in return.
- At work, that might be your time for your salary, working 60-80 hour weeks just to hit your numbers.
- At home, that might be putting dinner on the table seven days a week after working 12 hour days.
- In your community, it might be serving on a Board that does nothing but complain.
- In your friend groups, it might be being volunt-told to bring cupcakes or supplies or coordinating the next get-together, even when others are better suited and able to take up those tasks.
If you never receive recognition or appreciation or true genuine acknowledgement, all of your efforts will feel good for a moment, and then hollow the next.
That hollowness can leave us feeling like something’s wrong with us – like we didn’t do enough or try hard enough or work hard enough. And that’s because we care; but there’s nothing wrong with caring.
We have to stop betraying ourselves.
If you’re not getting what you need, send more kindness back your way and see what changes.
When I begin to feel like kindness and acts of service aren’t reciprocated in my relationships – at home, at work, with clients, with friends – I redirect that towards myself.
This is where Human Design has helped me to see where I was pushing energy out into my little world, silently screaming and metaphorically waving, “SEE ME, SEE ME, SEE ME!”
As a Projector, the strategy for how I should show up in the world is to wait. I’m supposed to *wait* for the invitation – to speak, to share, to advise, to guide.
I’m supposed to sit and wait and be seen.
But how do I get seen? Advertise? Marketing? Branding? Writing? Referrals?
No.
To get seen, I have to see MYSELF first.
To attract people who care about you, who are kind to you, who treat you the amazing way you treat them, the right people have to see you caring for yourself. That’s how they learn how to appreciate you, too.
That’s easier said than done these days. The world is burning. Our neighbors are being d!s*ppe*red and we’re looking at some end-stage c*p!tal!sm these days. That’s when having an accountability partner matters. They help you go places, make advancements, create sustainable habits, and help you make decisions that feel good – no matter what’s going on around you. So you can show up for YOU, so you can share your gifts with the world to make it better.
We all want to feel like our acts of kindness are as good for others as they are for us.
It took a long time to wrap my head around what it means to be kind in a world that’s wasn’t always kind back:
- I had to take stock of my labor (paid & unpaid) for the people and projects in life and work.
- I had to believe in myself.
- I had to believe that if someone wasn’t kind to me, to allow them to continue to be unkind was an act of self-betrayal.
I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore. By not acting for myself, I was acting against myself. And I couldn’t bear to be the reason or the excuse anymore. I had to protect my peace, my heart, my reputation. So I turned that kindness back towards me, and my whole world opened up. A lot of pain vanished on its own. People faded away. Drama never returned.
I’ve had plenty of clients who weren’t kind to themselves, and who allowed others not to be kind to them, too.
Clients who gave and gave – time, talent, energy, money – and all they wanted in return was to be seen, loved, supported, and accepted.
They just wanted to feel like they belonged. Like they “earned” their place in the world.
This is reminding me of a client I worked with in the earliest part of the lockdown.
She was as Associate Attorney, working at a law firm her father owned. She was struggling with the isolation of working remotely – mentally and emotionally. She felt like her productivity had suffered and her bosses were not happy with her numbers.
To make matters worse, she was informed that her landlord planned to sell the house she was renting and she needed to vacate the property.
She came to me for help coping with having to find a new place to live, coupled with falling short at work and the mental and emotional difficulty of quarantine.
Those are tough pills to swallow, no matter how you cut them.
- She wanted to be able to work from her office with her staff and office resources readily available.
- She also wanted a stable place to live and not have to worry about moving in the middle of a global pandemic.
- She hated being separated from people, not being able to focus and perform work-wise, and not knowing where she’d be living.
- She was doing for others, and being present for others, but not for herself.
When we met the first time, I didn’t immediately launch into how to problem solve all these issues. Instead, we went straight back to HER. We explored how she was taking care of herself: exercising, eating best for her body, and resting/sleeping. She had a lot of flexibility in her schedule, so she had space to make that happen.
Together, we worked on helping her understand what she had control over, which reduced her anxiety almost immediately. We created a mini-plan (like an experiment) to increase productivity while dealing with the move and being isolated. The mini-plan included how to communicate what she needed from her work and her family, and we identified some coping skills that she could use to keep her grounded.
By focusing on HERSELF, she was able to:
– build stronger boundaries around her time and energy so that she could care for herself,
– reset expectations of herself and her productivity given everything that was going on in the world, and
– start making decisions about her future living situation without fear of the unknown.
It’s been almost six years since we worked together, but I still follow her achievements on LinkedIn. A few months after, she switched firms. A few years later, she made Partner at that new firm with the autonomy, control, support, and flexibility she deserved.
I’m so proud of her, and I know she’s proud of herself, too. 💝
In our relationships, a certain unspoken resentment can start to build up when our desire for treating others with kindness isn’t reciprocated. It can feel like self-betrayal.
There are plenty of people out there who will take, take, take – no matter how much you give them. They’ll have unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of you and run you ragged, trying to convince you that your happiness is tied to keeping *them* happy.
But that’s simply not true.
Your happiness is tied to being kind to yourself.
To giving yourself space and grace.
To truly see yourself for all your genius and all your talents, and to not only appreciate that about yourself, but also, to share those with the right people.
And the right people (regardless of whether they’re clients, colleagues, partners, friends or family) will respect you for taking care of yourself. Because when you do, you’ll be a good role model for them to care for themselves, too. And together, we can all practice the art of kindness to ourselves, and not to betray ourselves anymore – for anyone or anything.
I look at the world through the lens of practicality. I instinctively, intuitively know what works and what won’t. Not because I’m guessing, but because I see PATTERNS. Patterns of behavior, patterns of thinking, patterns in relationships.
And if I were a betting woman, I would bet my life savings that you’ve also felt like you’ve sometimes given too much and not gotten back what you deserved in return.
When we know we’re not getting back what we need, it’s on *us* to do something about it:
Start small: be kind to yourself first. Then, build up that reservoir. Decide who gets it and when.
And go easy on yourself, yeah? I’m here when you need that extra support to say no.
🌟 Here’s a FREE resource to support you: Essentialism, by Greg McKeown
Chances are, you’ve either heard of this book or read it. And while it’s not about kindness directly, it very much is about being selective. If you haven’t read it yet (or in a while), grab it from your local library and read it through the lens of kindness. It’ll help you see how doing less, for fewer people, with intention, prevents resentment before it starts. This is an especially great book for high-achievers who don’t see themselves as people-pleasers (but who, most of the time, absolutely are … sorry not sorry 💝)
✅ And here’s how we can work together on this topic:
- When kindness starts to feel like self-betrayal, scheduling a Roadmap to Freedom session can help you decide who and what stays, what actually needs to change, and what you stop carrying (with the scripts to copy and paste to let them go).
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👋🏽 Hi, I’m🌞 Sheila! I’m a human first and a title second, just like you. I want to help you make your next BIG decision. Supported by Gentle Accountability, that starts with resetting expectations about what you think you can have and deserve. It’s time for you to create your own Joyful and Thriving™ life and career!
#whatwouldsheilasay #shedsaydowhatyouwanna 🎶
