Scroll down to read along with the imperfect transcript
Ever feel stuck in frustration with slow dockets, unproductive colleagues, and deceit in the practice of law? Break free from the chains with this episode, revealing the power of what’s really holding you back from enjoying the profession. As a seasoned legal professional, I couldn’t resist sharing this valuable insight. This episode is a game-changer!
Key Takeaways from the Episode
Control is Yours to Harness: Learn how your belief in control (or lack thereof) shapes your success. The Serenity Prayer takes a secular twist, empowering you to navigate life’s challenges with a newfound perspective.
The Expectation Game: Delve into the four types of expectations and uncover the real culprit holding you back—unspoken expectations. Explicitly communicate your needs to propel your career forward.
Beyond the Bulldog Persona: Challenge the notion that doing the bare minimum is insufficient. Explore the power of resolution outside the courtroom and discover how it enhances your reputation and integrity.
The Self-Imposed Chains: Identify and break free from self-imposed expectations. Stop convincing yourself you need to do more and embrace the freedom that comes with aligning with what truly matters.
Listening to Your True North: Use the four types of expectations as a lens to identify self-sabotaging patterns. When frustration strikes, revisit this episode, and trust your instincts. You have the power to overcome any obstacle.
Select Quotes from the Episode
“Believing that something is not going your way is most often because you believe you have no control. And you have a lot more control than you think you do.”
“What’s really holding us back from getting what we need and want is our failure to tell people what we need and want.”
“Listen for where you’re getting hung up – and when you hear that reason, I challenge you to do the opposite of whatever it is your mind is trying to convince you is right, and instead, go with what your body feels is right. You got this!”
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Imperfect Transcript from this Episode
Alright, so let’s talk about what we came here to talk about: all those things that you think are holding you back aren’t. You heard me: slow dockets, a lack of motivation, and lying opposing counsel are not holding you back from being able to do more or achieve more.
First things first, let me just say this: believing that something is not going your way is most often because you believe you have no control. And you have a lot more control than you think you do. The second thing I’ll say is my favorite saying about control. I’ve turned the Serenity Prayer into a Secular Quote – it goes like this: “I don’t stress out about the things I have control over, because I have control over them. And I don’t stress out about things I don’t have control over, because – yep, you guessed it – I don’t have control over them.”
But this is more than just a reframe for this podcast. This is a way of life.
All this goes back to the toxic systems and traits we’ve been taught so we can “get ahead” and be stereotypically successful. It’s all based in proving your value and worth when you don’t need to – you have inherent value and worth as a human – but above all, this all goes back to expectations.
I shared with you the four types of expectations back in Episode 2, and if you didn’t listen, go back and listen, but I’ll give you a little reminder of the four types of expectations: there are expectation that we have of ourselves, then there are expectations that we have of others, then the flip version of that is the expectations that others have of us, and then my favorite, the fourth kind: the expectations we THINK others have of us. That fourth kind, remember, are FAKE. They’re not real. They’re assumptions – and you know what happens when you assume.
I could make an argument about each of these kinds of expectations in relation to the concept of control, but I want to talk about the second one – expectations that we have of others – because those are the ones that really surround the topic around control and what holds us back. Not because we don’t have expectations, and not because we aren’t clear about what we expect of others – but it’s because of the caveat to that type of expectation – YOU HAVE TO EXPLICITLY tell people what you expect of them in order for them to meet them, exceed them, or reject them. If you never tell people what you need or want, they can never, and I mean NEVER fulfill them. This includes your clients, your managing partners, your opposing counsel, your intern, your kids, your partner … what’s really holding us back from getting what we need and want is our failure to tell people what we need and want.
You can’t keep waiting for them to notice you’re drowning or need help – because they won’t notice. They’re too busy with their own lives, their own cases, their own mental and emotional load … they can’t possibly see outside of themselves unless you tell them.
I find that this comes up a lot with clients when they’re dealing with younger lawyers around them who seem to know little of civility and professionalism. They get frustrated about the lack of drive in others. They are annoyed and aggravated with how slow dockets run, and above all, we all know, and you have dealt with it I am sure, but it’s the worst kind of frustration when you’re dealing with liars. Sometimes that’s the party on the other side of the versus, but most times, it’s the lawyers representing them that muck things up.
Dealing with people can be very frustrating. Dealing with young lawyers who are just phoning it in and doing the bare minimum to collect a paycheck can be frustrating – but also, it’s okay to do the bare minimum to get your check. Somewhere along the way, if that’s frustrating to you, you were told you had to do MORE than the bare minimum and I hate to remind you, like I told you last time, you don’t have to do more just because you think others expect more.
And then, to make matters worse, when there are slow dockets, it does zero justice to those looking for the courts to resolve their issue – and that’s because the courts are full of people who are fighting about something they can absolutely mediate about and resolve their dispute. We’ve managed to take every single issue to court, when a lot of this can be resolved outside of court. And it takes a strong lawyer to tell a potential client that you want to try a demand letter and mediation first to see if it can be resolved. No, that won’t make you more money, but it will help you uphold your oath, and it will help you with your reputation and integrity. While it’s nice to be known as the bulldog who gets things done, it’s also NOT nice to be known as the bulldog, when being that hurts your clients and your reputation precedes you in court or in the boardroom.
So, the thing that’s really holding us back are expectations – and not only the expectations that we have of others, but the expectations that we THINK others have of us, the expectations that we have of ourselves that weren’t ours to begin with, and the expectations that others have said they have of us that we’ve accepted without any push back or negotiation. And worse, that we try to EXCEED when literally, all you need to do is the bare minimum.
When we try to convince people – and ourselves – that we know what we’re doing, and when we try to answer everyone’s questions and get caught up in thinking about things that don’t matter … and when we get stuck looking for love or acceptance or direction, and hold onto things that are not good for us, … and when we hope for someone to notice we’re drowning because we’re too afraid to ask for it, or think we have something to prove … we can get caught up in avoiding confrontation and truth – we can be in a HURRY to be free of the pressure – and we don’t know when to let go. We forget to pay attention to when enough is enough. These are all themes – not-self themes – that keep us stuck, hold us back, and keep us from being fully aligned with what we know is right for ourselves.
The four types of expectations are a lens you can look through. So, the next time you’re frustrated, annoyed, aggravated, or finding yourself bitter – come back to this episode. Listen again – listen for where you’re getting hung up – and when you hear that reason, I challenge you to do the opposite of whatever it is your mind is trying to convince you is right, and instead, go with what your body feels is right. You got this!