At the end of the day, we all want a life that feels good, that’s comfortable, and which gives us the freedom and the flexibility to do the work that lights us up.
Today, we’re talking about what it means to be YOU. To show up as YOU.
And Creatives have been taught what they SHOULD do, SHOULD think, and SHOULD feel – and it’s wrong. That’s the intellectual way of making decisions. And that’s wrong, too. Creatives need to acknowledge and tap into who they are – the emotional side of themselves that they fear showing to the world – because that’s where their creative spark lives.
Creatives need to reconnect their emotional selves to their intellectual selves (and ditch the intellectual when making decisions).
When Creatives know who they are and they infuse that into what they do, they can create without looking for external validation, trying to prove themselves, or avoiding confrontation and truth about what really lights them up.
Who you are. What you want. Why you want it. Then taking that disconnect from that truth, and reconnecting your intellectual self to your emotional self – that’s what we’re talking about today.
First, let me share three statistics with you:
- Approximately 45% of the world’s population struggles with their identity, believing that the only way they belong is through validation and approval of what they produce. Creatives are often in this category. They think that validation and approval should come externally, but they know in their soul that it should come from inside. The worst part is that they know who they are, but they’ve been taught to question it.
Here’s the second statistic:
- Approximately 65% of the world’s population struggles even more deeply, feeling like they have to prove themselves, feeling unworthy and undervalued. Creatives are often in this category, too. They think that if they work hard, produce more, and create the perfect deliverable, that they’ll somehow “win” the race of success. That finally they will be worthy of love and validation and approval. This goes hand in hand with the 45% struggling with their identity. They know what they want – and it’s not to work hard or burnout or die trying to prove themselves to their parents, their professors, their family, society at large. They feel deeply in their soul that they shouldn’t have to prove themselves. They know what they want, but they’ve been taught to question it.
And the third statistic? As if these two categories of struggles aren’t enough to make us all feel badly about ourselves:
- Approximately 50% of the world’s population struggles with confrontation. They struggle with the TRUTH. This is where the disconnect lives – in the truth, and in avoiding it in order to avoid confrontation. And Creatives are absolutely in this category, too. They know the truth about the art and music and beauty they want to bring into the world every day, itching to doodle in that meeting, desperate to run barefoot in the grass and dance to the beat of their own drum. They feel their WHY so clearly that they can taste it, but they question this, too – they’ve been taught to question their value, taught not to stand up for themselves, taught to be people-pleasers and not to bite the hand that feeds them.
I spent my entire life doing what I thought was expected of me.
- I studied hard in school – I got mostly A+s and occasionally, a rare B, studying when I should have been sleeping. Reading when I should have been resting.
- I worked hard in my career – I worked 100, 120 hour weeks, not only when I was building a multi-million dollar business, either. I often worked three jobs, even when I had “enough” … I was taught, I understood in fact, that enough was never enough.
- And, for a small window of time, I played hard – desperate to relieve the stress of all that working and studying hard, I drank. I danced. I never did drugs, but I certainly didn’t take care of myself – mind, body, or soul.
Like most neurodivergent souls, growing up and into young adulthood, I looked to my elders, authority figures, teachers, to validate who I was, to confirm that what I wanted was the “right” thing to want, and wasn’t honest with myself about why I wanted what I wanted. I believed, erroneously of course, that the value of my life and productivity was measured by what other people told me was the right way to do something.
I spent my early life climbing the corporate ladder. Trying to prove that I was worthy of respect and that I belonged. Except it never occurred to me WHO it was that I was actually trying to prove myself to. With both of my parents gone by the time I turned 16, I actually didn’t “need” to prove myself to anyone but myself. But all that conditioning kept me tied to what I now know was people-pleasing.
The moment that I started listening to what I felt was right – in my body – and I began validating my own worth and value, my own truth about how I felt about my life and the contribution I wanted to make to the world, my entire life flipped upside down, but in the most positive, kind, meaningful, not scary at all kind of way.
When I stopped looking for external validation, trying to prove myself, and stopped avoiding what I thought would be confrontation (but which never was), I found that the person I knew I was all along, was, in fact, valid. Worthy. Valuable. And when you, or someone you love, does that too, your entire world will change.
Creatives are spending a whole hell of a lot of time trying to live up to someone else’s expectations that have literally nothing to do with them.
When you understand that the expectations that you have of yourself are far more important than any expectations that anyone else has of you, then you don’t need to keep trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations.
But, the big problem I see with Creatives is actually not that they’re living up to someone else’s expectations, but instead, they ASSUME THEY KNOW what others expect of them. And you know why that is? Because in order to avoid confrontation, they make up a “truth” about what they THINK other people – often, elders and parents and authority figures – want from them and for them.
And that’s usually, in my experience, 98.37% of the time … a lie. False. FAKE.
Most often, what Creatives are doing is just a reflection of what they perceive were the disappointments that their own parents felt about their own lives.
Let me repeat that:
Creatives do what they think they’re supposed to do in order to make their parents feel better about their own life choices.
Getting married too young. Not working hard enough. Having kids before they were ready. Not getting good enough grades for the scholarship. Not saving enough money for retirement. Not wanting to rely on their OWN parents for support (so they tried to prove they were fine all along, when they were clearly not).
So, what does this mean? It means most of our people-pleasing comes from showing others what’s possible, by sacrificing our own wants and needs, so that those authority figures can be “pleased” that we were able to do it when they couldn’t.
But here’s the thing: most times, the people we’re trying to prove ourselves to COULD do what they wanted, but they also believed they SHOULDN’T. And that’s the rub. And it’s a vicious cycle.” I want you, me, Creatives everywhere, to stop doing what you THINK you SHOULD do, and instead, do what you WANT to do. Even if it’s scary. Because your creative spark – your talent, your energy, your treasure – it’s too precious not to.
In order to do what you want to do, even if it might cause a ruckus at home or work, you have to be HONEST with yourself about what your body is screaming at you.
Instead of spending your days laboring over the fifteenth tweak on something that means nothing, overthinking and overanalyzing, waiting for someone to notice you’re drowning in all these expectations you think others have of you to be perfect, waiting for someone to notice you need help, you need to do a little Elsa-ing – let it go.
- To have confidence in who you are, start listening to what your body is telling you when you mask your true feelings in that meeting.
- To have clarity about what you want, start listening to what your body is telling you when you do something you despise.
- To have courage in telling others why you want what you want, start listening to what your body is telling you when you perk up and get excited about something geeky and nerdy.
At the end of the day, whether you consider yourself a Creative or not, we all want a life that feels good, that’s comfortable, and which gives us the freedom and flexibility to do work that lights us up.
I spent too many years trying to be the “Good Daughter” and the “Successful Professional” …
I spent all those years trying to get good grades, to work hard, to get promoted, to raise my sister (even though I was happy to do it, I made a promise to my mother on her deathbed that I would take care of her) …. and all I got was exhausted. When I got to whatever “success” was supposed to look like, I couldn’t even enjoy it because I wiped OUT. I was burned out. I didn’t know when enough was enough. I was in such a hurry to be “done” with the goal, that I didn’t enjoy it when it arrived and I certainly didn’t enjoy the journey getting there. And chances are, you feel – or have felt – that way, too. I spent too many years holding on to things, people, spaces, workplaces, relationships even, that weren’t good for me. I was trying to know everything and be everything to everyone. To be a people-pleaser. And all that got me was heartache and heartbreak.
In the end, I had to set strong boundaries around my energy and my talent. I had to reset the expectations that I had of myself which were just 100% not true for ME. I had to be clear about what I expected of others – including respecting my boundaries and decisions. And I had to learn how to listen to my body when it spoke to me… when it told me what decisions were good for me, and which ones were bad. And I had to learn how not to judge myself or to let my thoughts get away from me.
It wasn’t easy, but that process of deconditioning, unlearning all those things I thought were true about who I was and what I wanted, and yes, even WHY I wanted those things … once I unlearned all of that rubbish, I was able to show up as truly me. Unmasked. Armor down. Joyful and Thriving Sheila. And only then was I actually able to protect my peace, and to protect my heart, and only then did my reputation start preceding me in a way that I felt GOOD about – not just that I was balls to the wall all the time, but that I was kind and took my time and showed up with a smile and with joy for the pure love of helping others.
For over 25 years, I’ve been feeling that joy, and I have to tell you, it’s worth every moment of energy it takes to reconnect who you are with what you do, and ensuring your WHY is your REAL why. Not someone else’s.
You can start this process anytime. Today, tomorrow, next month. Whenever you want. And however you want. It can be in your contract, specifically putting language in about how you protect your time and creative spark or even deleting language that doesn’t feel good and replacing it with something that does. Or, you could also just start with the people in your life, the things in your life that you might be holding onto that don’t serve you anymore. You have nothing to prove – you’re already here. You know your truth – you only need to listen to it. You know that you are worthy and valuable – admit it and embrace it.
Pretty much every single client I’ve ever had has struggled with this issue – and our work was about helping them reconnect who they are with what they want, with what they do. Making sure their WHY is the right why. The real why.
Too many Creatives believe they have to shrink and hide themselves – their mind, their voice, their body, their identity, their feelings, their drive, their intuition. And they believe that because Society has taught us that if we share that, we’re not safe. If we take up too much attention, that we actually take attention from others who might be more deserving. And that’s so messed up in so many ways, I can’t even begin to get into it, especially since I’m trying to wrap up! 🤣
But seriously. Working with me is about being Seen. Recognized. Appreciated. For all of the talents and knowledge and experience you have, they knew that coming to me. My clients are ready to lift themselves up, and be guided back from the places and beliefs that deceive them.
My clients know that in order to protect THEIR peace, THEIR heart, THEIR reputation, that they cannot lie to themselves anymore. They can’t lie about who they are or what they want, or even why they want it.
It doesn’t matter if it’s about who you want to work with, the kind of work you want to do, or the pay you expect for the amazing work you do – you are the one who knows what’s right for you. My job is to just present you with the opportunity to take action. To get to the root of the actual issue, and then make a plan to see it through.
And all you have to do is follow the plan. Work the plan. And be honest about what your emotional self already knows about you, and the joy that your intellectual self wants to keep from you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it some more – in order to keep the status quo:
🎧 LISTEN HERE FOR WHAT SOCIETY HOPES YOU DO NOT DO! 🎧
If you start getting clearer about who you are, what you want, and why you want it, then you’ll improve your life. It’s that simple. Not easy. But it is simple. And it’s worth it. YOU are worth it. So now the question is: what’s stopping you?
So, consider trying to be more honest about who you are, what you want, and why you want it this week. See how it goes. And know I’m here if you want help with getting the courage to shout that from the rooftops.
And, if you need support, I’m here – schedule a free chat with me about what a plan could look like, or, if you’re ready to create a mini-plan now, book a Roadmap to Freedom Strategy Session!
Next Steps
- Your Next Step: Book a call with me to start creating YOUR plan
- A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Words: The Statistics
- Free Interactive Guide: “12 Simple Tweaks to a Clearer Client Contract”
- Scripts for your Out of Office / Auto-Responder when you need more time
- Get on the Waitlist for the 8-Week Contracts Course!
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Hi! I’m Sheila, your guide to a Joyful and Thriving™ creative life! I have lots of titles: attorney, social worker, coach, consultant, keynote speaker, educator. And while I’m proud of those titles, I am a human first and a title second – just like you. I want to help you reset expectations, set boundaries, and make aligned decisions, so you can streamline and focus your energy on the people, projects, and pay that actually matter to you.
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