More often than not, the reason we feel invisible is because we *believe* we are.
This month, we’ve been talking about relationships and how resentment creeps in without us even realizing it. This week, we’re exploring why we might feel invisible, even around the people closest to us – at home *and* at work.
Over the last decade, I’ve been doing the deep work of processing a lot of unresolved grief – childhood stuff, mostly, and also, seeing how those patterns have shown up in my relationships at work and at home. (s/o to my therapist who won’t ever read this lol)
I realized that I felt invisible for a lot of my life, and in a lot of ways, I felt that way because I believed I was. I felt like no one really understood me. I was always a burden or annoyance to others; too loud, too much, too joyful, singing too much, dancing and skipping too much.
My joy made others uncomfortable. So they told me to tamp down my happiness to accommodate their unhappiness. This happened as an adult, but it also happened as a child.
When I had to pick my Confirmation Saint, I chose Saint Teresa of Avila – a 16th-century Spanish mystic and reformer. A practical mystic, she would get into trouble for walking down the middle of streets, singing and dancing about her love for God. She got in trouble for disrupting the “peace” (peace was quiet, apparently). But something about her story stuck with me.
If we’re meant to share our gifts to serve others, wouldn’t we want one of those gifts to be pure joy?
The “problem” in my life has always been that I am fully myself; it’s the people around me who are not fully themselves. It took me a long while to realize I had a pattern: I surrounded myself with sad, angry, bitter, jealous, disappointed humans. I think that’s because we’re taught to choose people who “need” us, which is why the people closest to us at home and at work are often people we’re taught to save.
This is why we often feel invisible, even around the people closest to us: because they cannot see past themselves, and we have taught them that they don’t have to.
We’re choosing people we’ve been taught to SAVE, not those we’re designed to SUPPORT.
When you’re clear about your true purpose in life and at work, you won’t spend all your time and energy trying to convince others of your worth and value. When we focus on sharing our gifts only with those who deserve us, we end up saving ourselves by resourcing ourselves.
We’re taught to choose people (clients, colleagues, partners, communities, etc.) who “need” us, which is why the people closest to us at home and at work are often people we’re taught to save.
This is why so many people feel invisible, even around the people closest to us.
1. We’re trying to save them,
2. They cannot see past themselves, and
3. With our actions and decisions, we teach them that they don’t have to see us.
Lately, I’ve been talking about Human Design more than usual. Statistics show that at any point in time, one out of three people are trying to get your attention. At home and at work, I’m sure you can do that math:
- Who only calls or messages when they need something?
- Who never really says thank you, unless it’s a performative after-thought?
- Who believes your purpose is to save them, even when they seem hell-bent not to save themselves?
Whatever the answers, you’re not alone. We have to stop choosing people to SAVE, and instead, choose people at work and home that SUPPORT us, too.
To feel seen by those closest to us, we have to first get rid of the people who keep us invisible, and then choose people who see us to begin with.
Looking back, I wish I’d realized bitter resentment came from feeling invisible to those I cared about the most. To be seen, I had to see myself first.
Human Design changed my life. As a 5-line Projector, I learned that my bitterness, my insecurities, and even my inner turmoil about whether to leave bad situations – at work, at home, with friends – came from being iced out, ignored, and only called on when I needed to do something for someone. I was the Savior when I could do something for someone, and then I became the Villain once I wanted something back. Reciprocity wasn’t an option. I was invisible to them until I was a tool they could use.
To have a supportive environment at home and at work, and even with friends groups and in the community, we have to see what we need, give it to ourselves, and not allow others to take without anything in return.
At the end of the day, we’re all looking for genuine recognition and appreciation.
Goodness knows I’ve gone through the ringer before, not getting the recognition or appreciation I deserved.
When I was younger, that was in toxic relationships with addicts that were never reciprocal. Early on in the legal field, it was building a multimillion dollar firm, and then the managing partner refused to honor his promise with the credit and ownership I earned.
In Human Design terms, being a 5/1 Emo Projector means I’m meant to be a PRACTICAL GUIDE. I’m meant to support with RESOURCES, not with my labor.
Understanding how I am naturally inclined to engage and work with others (at home and in my career and business), means I no longer push on things that don’t belong to me. I don’t try to make myself VISIBLE; instead, I know I am only visible to those who SEE me for who I actually am: a joyful, thriving, singing and dancing silly goose, an expert guiding those who really want to make their lives and careers and businesses better. It’s like the Room of Requirement: you see me when you’re greatly in need of me; everyone else just keeps walking past.
The clients who benefit most from a reframe are my exact opposites in the world of Human Design: I am a Projector, they are Generators.
There’s always room for improvement. Incrementally, systemically, systematically, procedurally: there’s always something that can be better.
But when people who are born to BUILD and create STRUCTURES and be a ROLE MODEL for others feel invisible, it’s often because they’re reduced to busy work and an endless list of tedious tasks that have no end in sight. There’s no beginning, middle, or end. There’s no growth opportunity, no mentorship, no guidance. The only thing that’s valued is their labor.
A lot of the work I do is helping people see that instead of valuing labor, your true value is in your GIFTS. Together, we can have radically honest conversations and help you make the moves you need to surround yourself with the people and projects (and pay!) that value your gifts.
You could keep grinding, or you can start thriving. I think we all prefer the latter, but we often get stuck in the former … but it doesn’t have to be forever.
One last thought …. I have a hypothesis about Licensing Boards:
- They want us to be focused on keeping our NUMBER – not our VALUE.
- They often give us such unrealistic expectations, DECISIONS feel DEATH-DEFYING.
- We look to them for guidance, but are often only met with “it depends,” holding on to people and work that aren’t good for us anymore.
I want the complete opposite for all of us licensed folx: I want us to focus on our value, on decisions that feel great, and to have a clear process in how to handle something BEFORE it becomes a problem (and to know how to fix it, if it already is).
I look at the world in a really practical way: I know what’s probably going to work, I know right away what won’t. And I have a keen sense of what works for you, specifically. 99.99999% of the time, what works for someone else will NOT work for you. You and I both know it.
So, if you’ve been trying to take other people’s advice about how to get seen – at home, at work, in your business, with clients, in your career, and even with friends – and you’re struggling to find the words to describe your gifts in a way that doesn’t sound like every other complainer out there … I’m here. Let’s make you visible again – to yourself, first and foremost … which will help you shine your light everywhere you go.
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👋🏽 Hi, I’m🌞 Sheila! I’m a human first and a title second, just like you. I want to help you make your next BIG decision. Supported by Gentle Accountability, that starts with resetting expectations about what you think you can have and deserve. It’s time for you to create your own Joyful and Thriving™ life and career!
#whatwouldsheilasay #shedsaydowhatyouwanna 🎶
