Too often, “being professional” means deceiving yourself and others.
As an attorney and advisor for licensed professionals for 30ish years now, I can honestly say that every single person I’ve ever worked with is worried about being “professional” in the face of disrespect.
I was on a call with a new client the other day. She’s also an attorney, and something she said is sticking with me. She said she was tired of feeling like she was the only competent attorney in her firm. It’s a 15-attorney firm … and (paraphrasing here), she said something like, “it seems like the more capable I am, the more work lands on my desk …”
To make matters worse, because she’s not been super great with boundaries (we’re working on it!), she has a hard time saying no when stuff *does* land on her desk.
- She’s constantly weighing “how can I be a good employee” with “don’t piss them off because they’ll take money out of my bonus later for not being a team player.”
- She spends so much time trying to figure out how to prove her worth, that rather than being professional, she’s lying to herself *and* to the managing partners who keep throwing stuff on her.
- She stays silent about her capacity because she doesn’t want people to think she can’t handle it. But it’ll be her – and her license – that pays the price when it’s too much to handle.
So here’s basically what I told her:
“No one teaches us how to handle this in life. I know I was told that I had to keep my employer happy at all costs, but it took me a long time to learn you can keep them happy AND not lie to yourself or them. Yes, you probably are the only attorney at your firm who actually cares about getting the right outcome. Everyone else just barrels through to meet their billables and doesn’t step back to look at the 37,000 foot view. You care more about the outcome than the billables for that outcome. That’s a GIFT you have – to see the forest AND the trees.”
Then, we immediately created a script that she could go to her managing partner with… something that would make her feel seen and like she was advocating for herself, words that would help her get resourced – before she needed it.
High-performers see this happening around them all of the time. Chances are, you have, too.
Most high-performing service providers are more worried about their reputation than they are about the quality of their health and their relationships.
When you have clarity around the kinds of people, projects, and pay that you want at work, you won’t feel like you always have to keep the peace and preserve your reputation. We’ve been taught that our reputation should precede us, but we never consider what that reputation is.
Most professionals are afraid of losing something they don’t yet have – they’re trying to prevent problems in the future. They feel like their reputation should reflect their hard work, which is why they get stuck “being professional” instead of “being human.” When they do that, they actually create a false reputation, based on false risk, based on false outcomes.
If this is sounding a bit too familiar, I invite you to stop being so worried about what other people think of you – or what other people will think of you in the future, and instead, worry about what YOU think of you – and what Future You will think of you and your decisions now.
Instead of worrying about being “professional,” worry about being in integrity.
To be in integrity, you have to think about who you are, what you do, and why you do it.
This is where a tool like Human Design can help you get back on track and to give yourself permission to let go of things – people, projects, jobs, paychecks – that aren’t good for you anymore. I use Human Design to give you the insight and space for reflection that’s often needed to make any real, sustainable, lasting change in our work lives.
To stay “professional” and not be disingenuous with yourself or others, you have to change the way people treat you, what you’ll put up with, and how you communicate.
At the end of the day, we all want to be seen as a professional.
I said it earlier, but it’s worth repeating again:
No one teaches us how to handle this kind of tension in life. I know I was told that I had to keep my employer happy at all costs, but it took me a long time to learn you can keep them happy AND not lie to yourself or them about what truly lights you up and what makes you happy, and makes you feel supported and resourced.
Sometimes, all it took for me was to have a conversation about what I needed. And sometimes, they don’t want to have the conversation and they won’t value you – just like what happened with me and the multi-million dollar law firm I built from scratch.
One of the things I’ve realized in the last 15 years of being my own boss is that if I do not value myself, no one else will. I’ve learned that if I don’t make sure I’m resourced, no one else can.
Sure, people might try to “help” if they see you drowning, but the truth is, if you’re drowning, it’s too late for someone else to pull you out. YOU have to pull YOURSELF out. That means making sure you’re resourced from the start, so that you never have to lie to yourself or others about what being a professional means to YOU.
For me, I had to work on how I made decisions. Because I was making decisions with a rubric that did not serve ME … it only served to keep me underwater. And when I was underwater, it was even more difficult for me to maintain my “professional” appearance. Twenty years ago, my reputation was built on my hard work alone. Today, it’s built on my kindness, my support, my magic, my diagnostic-pattern-seeing brain. AND my hard work.
What’s your reputation like these days, and what do you actually want it to be? That’s the question of the day.
Society wants you to be more worried about what others think of you than what you think of yourself.
- It wants you to accept defeat, and to accept disrespect, and to accept whatever people want from you, even if it doesn’t feel good. And society wants this because it benefits from the lies you tell yourself.
The truth is, well … YOU KNOW YOUR TRUTH. Even if it seems like you don’t, I promise you, you do.
- You know the kind of person and professional you want to be known as
- You know the kinds of people you want to surround yourself with
- You know the kind of work you want to do (and chances are, it’s work that helps people, rather than work that just lines pockets)
So, today, I have a little tough AND love for you:
It’s one thing to know your truth, and a whole separate thing to identify it, name it, and SPEAK it. Often, that’s hard to do on your own. A therapist can help you say it in a safe space of a closed room you go into once a month or so, but a coach – an Advisor – someone like me? I can help you create the plan to say it out loud to the people who need to hear it, with a plan of action for whatever it is they say. For me, this is about keeping you CONFIDENT in who YOU are, not who they SAY you are.
You can be the person everyone dumps onto, or you can be the person everyone turns to. It’s your choice. I’m here when you’re ready to make the latter. 💌
Chances are, you know the exact kind of person and professional you want to be known as, and you know the exact kinds of people and work you want to surround yourself with each day. But, if you don’t have that yet, and you don’t know how to get from Point A to Point B, that’s what I’m here for. Let’s create a plan. Before you go to bed tonight, schedule a Roadmap to Freedom session.
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👋🏽 Hi, I’m🌞 Sheila! I’m a human first and a title second, just like you. I want to help you make your next BIG decision. Supported by Gentle Accountability, that starts with resetting expectations about what you think you can have and deserve. It’s time for you to create your own Joyful and Thriving™ life and career!
#whatwouldsheilasay #shedsaydowhatyouwanna 🎶
